Greetings and salutations, and welcome to my review of 2018s The Witches of Dumpling Farm: AKA Wicked Witches.
The Story gets a 0 out of 2: There are too many holes in this weakly scripted tale. Too many to mention, but I'll give one as an example. Our anti-hero has been kicked out of his family home and is seeking alternative accommodation. Luckily he finds an ad in the paper, he telephones it, and the guy on the other end announces the room's his if he wants it. We later find out that these two, who acted as strangers on the phone, were formerly besties. Yeah right!
The Pickering Brothers, who wrote and directed this travesty, are terrible at crafting personalities. Which constitutes the reason they fill most of the screen time with drug-taking and overweight middle-aged has-been idiots. For the most part, it looks like they merely asked the guys to be themselves.
The witches themselves are NOT witches. They are monster witches who want to devour your flesh and have the gnashers to do so. It's another easy out for our unimaginative writers. All these women do is troll about, supposedly looking awesomely beautiful: Shame they look like cheap hookers who shop at Primark. They scream strangely and annoyingly, then show off their terrible dentistry before devouring your face.
The directors even dared to steal from The Blair Witch Project (or are they calling it "Paying Tribute To"(?)) When the massacre scene begins, we see loads of scary twigs hanging up. Ooh, I'm shivering in my booties.
It wouldn't surprise me if the boring bro's put this film together to show off their musical skills. Yep, on top of being bad film-makers, they're a band. But don't worry, their music is marginally better than this film. But not to miss a trick or two; they get their crappier music mates to add to the soundtrack. A marvellous way to get your songs to stand out more. They even used the festival they played at, DumpFest - yeah, that's right, "Worst Name For A Festival EVER!" They slid in drone shots of the DumpFest patrons parking their cars. The cue of automobiles was to show how many guests were ar the Awesome House Warming Party they were throwing. Trouble is when you regard the crowd of party-goers, you realise there's must be seven cars to one guest. I love it when film-makers produce this kind of mistake. Unintentional giggles are great.
The Direction and Pace receive a 0.25 out of 4: The direction actually scores some points as there are some decent aerial shots, thanks to the drone pilot. There's even one decent shot of the car and witch chase when we see the fleeing car zoom past a wheat field in the inky night. It's only on for a second, but it's notable because the rest is so dull.
The Acting gets a 0.25 out of 2: The leading actor does try giving the audience something interesting. But it's way too little, and he's not an appealing character.
And, my Enjoyment level hits a 0 out of 2: Thank god for the distraction of the internet. Without it, I wouldn't have made it through this abomination of a film.
The total scores give The Dumpy Witches a 0.5 out of 10: I sat through this film so you don't have to. Enough said!
Floss those teeth, get rid of all the bloody flesh, jump on your broomstick and fly over to my Absolute Horror list to see where this terrible film ranks. But moreover, to discover something better to watch.
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